In a move that would make the great Admiral General Aladeen proud, current President and newly instated Dictator of the Maldives Yameen Abdul Gayoom, has declared that everything in the island nation is to be named after himself.
Effective from the 1st of January 2014, everything in the Maldives will be called Yameen.
He explained during his weekly address that the move would eliminate all poverty, crime, drug abuse and malnutrition from all manner of communities throughout the kingdom. He said that it would even stop all molestations and rapes and would most certainly increase crop yields throughout the atolls and make the tuna catch more bountiful from all the seas.
Furthermore he said that it would cure everyone, young and old (except the infidels & Bangladeshis), of all their ailments while simultaneously quadrupling tourist arrivals and grade point averages.
The untold strife caused by political drama and favouritism would be entirely eliminated, with everyone peacefully getting along as everyone would naturally then belong to the same party.
The bones and minds of prisoners & families broken under his brother’s similarly joyful regime would be magically healed, leaving behind a feeling government mullahs are tentatively calling BlissTM.
He said that the utterly genius plan would usher in a new era of freedom of speech, human rights and democracy; greatly enriching the lives of the fishermen and resort workers by allowing his family and foreign investors to happily keep exploiting the nations lifeblood for many a generation to come.
“Umar gave me the idea; he said he saw it in some movie. It’s going to be great!”, the President remarked excitedly during one interview. “These people are so stupid my name is all they need to know for the next 30 or so odd years anyways. It’s going to push productivity through the roof! Do I look like I give a ****? Dolla dolla bills ya’ll!”
The President’s Office later released a statement informing the media that everyone present had misheard the word “stupid”; due to either faulty air-conditioning in the meeting hall or a Zionist conspiracy, and that what the Great Leader actually meant that it was only Dhivehin who would be smart enough to communicate using only one word.
It further elaborated that such a broad sense of natural harmony and unity in the nation could only be possible if the name change was imposed and maintained by force.
“If everyone says the same thing how could there possibly be any arguments, or hatred or violence? There will only be peace under the one mighty name. Once the law has passed, we will have zero tolerance towards peoples who would dare to disrupt the delicate homogeneity of society by uttering names other than Yameen. Since our citizens deserve the very best, Special Operations is already on standby with canisters of the finest Singaporean teargas. ”, the statement read.
“Freedom and democracy is what it’s all about! We will have free and fair elections at the end of my term no doubt. My name’s Yameen na’mean? Power to the people ya’ll!”, the President said recently while emceeing at an extravagant ceremony where top military, police and election officials were given raises and their own private islands for their “continued & steadfast courage in demonstrating their loyalty to the nation”.
The President also commented that the move would only be temporary, saying that the new law would have a clause stating that the winner of the next election would be given the power change things back to normal if they wished.
Officials have yet to respond to queries on how an election would be held if all the names on the ballot had to read “Yameen”.
By Amouldy T. Sandwich reporting for Mendhan News
Originally published December 28th 2013