Following recent orders by former Supreme Leader and current CEO Yameen Abdul Gayoom, the beautifully luxuriously exclusive dazzling remarkable tropical island nation has officially been rebranded as Maldives PVT LTD (formerly the Republic of the Maldives).
Yameen stated that this is the “most efficient” way and that his decision was backed up by 30 years of solid research by his older brother and despot extraordinaire Maumoon Abdul Gayoom and his team of
Mafioso gangsters neoliberal economists.
He stated that a new constitution was in the works which would redefine citizens as
drones employees. The handy manual would detail the terms of employment and would also feature a 4503 page supplementary package (in a suitably miniscule and hard to read Dhivehi font) outlining how every minute of every hour of every day is to be spent for the rest of the unit’s person’s life. The terms he said, would be non-negotiable and immediately binding to all current and future citizens.
“You could have chosen just not to be born here!”, said a friendly pickup truck as it went on its hourly loop around the island
assaulting massaging the ears of the populace.
The peoples Majlis, thorn in the side of every efficient economist and despot, would be dissolved completely. To fill the insatiable void in public entertainment this will create, a giant mountain will be constructed on Hulhumale’, on the top of which will be a gold plated (for efficiency!) pyramidal palace. Inside, the top 13 resort owners would discuss pressing issues via the time tested tradition of
snorting coke off the navels focused contemplation with only the finest Western European hookers KLFA certified oracles.
In order to make matters as transparent to the public as possible, proceedings will be broadcast in full 4K cinema resolution but will only be available via a special 4G package supplied by the newly formed DHIPOOGERU. Rates are estimated to be at MRF4999 per MB (before taxes and for the first 10MB) for the basic PlatinumFuraalhu package.
When asked via twitter if he thought that the rates were reasonable enough to be affordable for the average Maldivian, Yameen responded to our inquiry with “DyL wit iT. #thugforlife #mvthugs #icanaffordthatshitwhycantyou? #glamorous #thingsdictatorssay #annisucks”.
“We OWN YOU!”, said
Yameen Maumoon at a recent rally where 11 recently convicted political dissidents homosexual-Jewish-drugdealing-heroinaddict-atheist-murderers were beheaded in broad daylight for the crimes against the state. The general public and most news agencies, including us, are baffled as to the true meaning of this cryptic message.
“I wasn’t really paying attention but I think he said he loves our country. We need more people like him! If I’d known he was killing all those people I would have turned up to watch earlier! It’s only by killing as many people as possible can we stop people from killing people! Drug dealers, murderers, homosexuals, heroin addicts, not to mention those goddamn Jews and atheists! And you know what?! My cousin told me those guys were all 6 of those things! And you know what 6 means! Don’t get me started on…” said CykeyDiRomeo, a recently deceased local stuntman who had slowly driven past the rally on his motorbike; only to crash down the road minutes later. Witnesses report that the accident, in which 23 people were hospitalised, was due to a tactical error made by DiRomeo that occurred while attempting to simultaneously drive and enthusiastically discuss with 18 other men on separate motorbikes exactly where to have coffee that evening. Hilarious video footage of the incident will not be available on the internet as, per the new employee regulations, uploads by non-authorised personal are strictly prohibited.
Amouldy T. Sandwich reporting for Mendhan News